Decisions….

Part of this journey is making a decision to move forward. It’s not this big grand decision that you sit down one day and it comes to you; at least it hasn’t necessarily been for us. It’s the idea that every loss, every time you are stripped of hope, love & support means starting over. However, you aren’t starting over from the ground floor – the ground floor is the women who is sitting in the OBGYN office without a care in the world, the pregnant women traveling without worries – that’s ground zero. Clearly there isn’t anything wrong with these notions – I wish I could have appreciated having this feeling when I was pregnant with Aiden, it’s just not a reality for me anymore. Starting over after being stripped of a part of you, a part of your family means that you are starting from below ground zero – there is no such floor as the ground floor. Making the decision to start over is often one that comes with difficulty – one part of you yearns for a baby to call your own (even if you already have living children), to hold and to raise. The other part of you is full of fear, worry – that creeps in and literally can consume your every thought before you are even trying to conceive… it is in the tiniest of thoughts “but what if…”.

Making the decision to move forward and try to conceive is just one option. It’s one that I have struggled with at times and at others not thought twice about – it changed based on when you asked me. After we lost Baby Boy there was never a question if were going to try again. In fact, when we were in labor with Baby Boy my husband had gone home overnight to be with Aiden (trying to keep his routine as normal as possible and we had no family to care for him) – when he returned in the morning he said that he had done a 180. When he left the hospital the night before he had thought to himself that he never wanted to do this again, that it hurt him to see me go through this and that it wasn’t worth it. When he returned home he saw Aiden in all his glory; it was a moment that will be forever cemented in his brain, a message from God. When he saw Aiden he thought to himself and later told me “how could you not think this feeling was worth it… how could we not have another child.” When he returned to the hospital he kept his thoughts to himself but he was a different person pushing past the hurt and focusing on support and our son. After Anderson for a good amount of months I said the exact opposite, in my mind we tried, we made it 18 weeks and had to again go through the pain and hurt and shattered movements. I turned the corner thanks to my family, friends and people I look up to and found some great physicians in the environment I feel comfortable – it took a lot of time to come to the decision that in my heart of hearts I couldn’t imagine not having another child of my own. After this past miscarriage (2 weeks now) I have had some serious conversations with my husband – it’s my body that goes through the loss. Physically and emotionally I have to process the loss – he on the other hand has to watch me go through it – it has to be horrible watching someone you love be dealt that set of cards. We both have our own separate journeys, yet we are in it together and we walk through it together.

Decisions of this sort are sprinkled in through out this journey – things that you would NEVER imagine or even think you had to make… aren’t there people and experts for this?! If only things were more clear cut – however, it seems like it’s less Black & White and more Grey all over. The first decision is always what to do when you get “grim” news. This could be a diagnosis that is not compatible with life and the choice to carry to term or not to. Our first decision and “grim” news was that our child’s heart was no longer beating and removing the baby was a necessity. This statement that comes from a physician comes with a long laundry list of decisions – the procedure for a miscarriage/stillbirth (meaning surgical, natural or labor and delivery) is the most obvious option and you’d imagine that a physician would tell you which you should do…. it’s just not that clear cut unless there’s an issue (for instance with Baby Boy we were told). The next decision is what to do afterwards, questions like “have you picked out a funeral home or church”, “do you wish to have testing done on the baby” etc… none of the questions and decisions have clear cut answers, people look at you like you should know the answers – as if they are asking you what you want for lunch…. it’s like it’s just another day and that everyone picks out a casket, plot of land, or a place for their babies ashes to go. It’s the beginning of the whirlwind or the storm that causes you to truly change. One moment your tossing around baby names or getting excited about all the cute baby clothes – the next you have to make decisions that you could never imagine anyone should have to make. Either way – regardless of the decision it changes you… some more than others. Everyone deals with their loss(es) differently, I have made the conscious decision to share my journey and message in hopes it helps others that have lost or to help those who haven’t better understand what difficult balancing act this journey can be.

Even after you make the decisions for your baby you have more – the decisions about the holidays, the birthdays/due dates, decisions on how you are going to proceed with the other people who were pregnant while you were or what to say to the mom who asks about your little one who didn’t know what had happened. The journey is sprinkled with decisions of how you want to live for your little one(s) that aren’t able to. Next to all these decisions is “what’s next?” – to try again, wait, leave it to God or decide to stop trying.

Here’s the thing – each time I’ve been pregnant I get excited and start planning. I did this with EVERY pregnancy – it’s hard not to. However, NOW next to that excitement is the fear of loosing again. Waiting for the HCG, Progesterone and Estrogen levels to come in every 48 hours …  Having to go to the doctors every 2-3 days or even every week definitely doesn’t help calm the nerves but when you find out you are pregnant it’s very hard not to have the excitement (in fact you SHOULD have the excitement!!) , just as it’s now hard not to have the fear. Having the excitement is part of being pregnant… for anyone. When you have lost (be it first, second or third trimester – in whatever form) a subsequent pregnancy is completely different. There are the bloodwork #’s that you are anticipating and analyzing, the milestones that you anticipate and so much more that you scrutinize over. When you choose the journey of getting pregnant after loss you know you have to go all in… but you also know that it means there is a possibility of having all the pain and accepting whatever this journey brings you. When you haven’t had a loss previously (for instance when I was pregnant with Aiden or with Baby Boy) there isn’t any comparable fear…. you know there’s the decreasing rate of loss but you aren’t aware of all of the different diagnoses, the different decisions that you may or may not be faced with. There’s no way around it – when you choose to have a baby you have to go all in, as a good friend of mine told me “There’s no going into it 50% – you have to have the excitement but with it opens the door for all the pain.”

Yesterday I had my 2 week follow up to check my HCG (it dropped from 41.4 last week to 5.9 this week), I head back there again in a week in hopes it’s at 0 and my body has “rebounded” after the D&C and all is well. This is such a process but one that I’m grateful for and appreciate  – it’s odd saying that you can appreciate the recovery of a D&C … the aftermath after shattering news. However, I have such an amazing support system now, very different than my first loss. I have fostered relationships with other moms that have lost and a family that understands why I continue to make the decision to try. My decisions aren’t just mine, they are my family decisions, my sons decisions and my support system decisions. They are all part of this – every loss effects them, effects relationships and every birth does as well. Early this week I had the opportunity to watch a friends 6 month old baby boy… holding him and caring for him reassured me again that my decision to move forward is the right one. It wasn’t easy at times to hold onto him and know that it’s very possible that I could have had a living son for Aiden to be a “big helper” with – at times having to fight back tears. It makes me appreciate the gift that I have with Aiden, makes me humble in this journey and also helps me reflect on my babies that I was able to hold once and look forward to holding when it’s my time to go. I am so blessed to be given this journey – it just took me awhile to realize that in this pain is also a great deal of beauty and faith.