On Feb 2nd, 2015 we had our first large snow storm since living in Central NY; it also happened to be the first day of our year long journey that allowed us to separate our loss’ and our hope. On February 2nd we had our first visit with CNY Fertility. Our first appointment was in Rochester and we then transferred to the Syracuse location. The drive to Rochester is normally 2 hours – on that day it took us at least 4… it was a long drive of wondering if this was the right step & right place for us. That 1st appointment (in hindsight) was full of nerves and HUGE first steps for us. Prior to that appointment thinking about trying to have a subsequent child (after our 2nd loss) was a foreign concept and when we did contemplate having another child it was full of doubt and speculation. After Feb 2nd I’m not sure if we were full of hope or just less doubt… either way it was a big step to what turned into a blessing and tons of triumphs.
We are entirely blessed despite all the heartache and pain that we have endured. In the past year we have had countless doctors appointments on our journey to have Kendall. Sitting in the fertility office and the Maternal Fetal Medicine waiting room we see all sorts of families and although we all have one thing in common our struggles, journey, and outcomes are all different. Some of these families will pay THOUSANDS of dollars out of pocket and struggle for YEARS just trying to get pregnant. Others are pregnant but the diagnosis is grim or they have HUGE hurdles just to get to an unknown outcome. I get told often that I’m ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ – however, over the past year I am extremely humbled by my journey and appreciate that although I have been through my own struggles that there are so many others still enduring and still getting hit with heavy burdens & loss…. that I’m grateful for mine.
The journey this past year had us change our diet and went about conceiving via IUI – something I never thought I’d have to do. After our second appointment with CNY Fertility we changed out diet – to detox my body from anything that may have been causing inflammation and therefore affect how my body reacted while pregnant. At the beginning of May we completed our IUI and began the monitoring…
On January 10th, 2016 after just under a year from that first appointment, 368 injections 16 infusions, 27 hours of labor and 1 transfusion we welcomed Kendall Elizabeth-Rose Waeger to our family. Kendall was born at 9:16pm weighing 6 pounds 7.1 ounces and 20 inches long; The journey was never “easy” but completely worth it – we decided early on that we wanted to have a birth photographer with us to capture Kendall’s arrival (although we didn’t know what gender baby we were having) – here are some photos from our day: Welcome Baby Kendall
Here’s a quick version of our labor, delivery & recovery story:
For the few weeks prior to Kendall’s birth my blood pressure slowly began to rise – which typically is not abnormal towards the end of pregnancy… however, mine didn’t seem to settle. During my weekly doctors appointments (starting at 30 weeks) I had Non-Stress Tests to monitor Kendall – she looked amazing, however during those visits we continued to see my BP rise. At the beginning of my pregnancy my BP was around 110/75 (July 2015), at the beginning of December it spiked to 152/85 and over the next 3-4 weeks it didn’t settle much. As we started to grow concerned about my BP my midwife asked me to go into the hospital for BP monitoring a few times – however, it never skyrocketed to a dangerous range and Kendall’s activity looked great, although I was feeling very sluggish she was doing fantastic so there was no main reason of concern. After multiple high blood pressures but still no sign of Preeclampsia I was diagnosed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. During my normal office visit on January 7th (at 36 weeks 5 days) my blood pressure was in a very high hypertension range and was told to go to the hospital for monitoring – it was then that my MFM decided to admit me for observation to keep a better eye on the blood pressure. 24 hours later (Friday morning) she decided that she would schedule an induction for Saturday afternoon (right at 37 weeks/full term). I was discharged so I could get my things and have one more night at home and then reported back to the hospital Saturday night. Fortunately my parents were able to come up on Friday to spend the weekend with us.
Once I was admitted on Saturday until the time we were discharged on Wednesday we had 13 nurses assigned to us along with 13 nursing assistants, we had 2 different rooms (3 if you count Thursday’s visit), I had 9 different doctors (all residents) and 2 attending physicians (Kendall had 1 attending pediatrician and 1 nurse practitioner). After I was admitted (5pm) and settled they began the induction by giving me misoprostol – I was already having small contractions that were not very effective and this increased their frequency much of that time Andy and I walked a bunch around the floor hoping to make progress, but after 4 hours made little to no progress other than being annoying. The doctors decided that because the Miso just increased the contractions but weren’t effective they had to move to different methods to push along my progress, they decided to move to a mechanical device called a double balloon catheter (as opposed to a pharmaceutical like the Miso they had already used). Trust me – don’t look it up just know it’s initially very painful and not comfortable. This is meant to push me along to 4cm and has high rates of delivery within 24 hours of application but works for 12 hours. At 11:18pm they started the balloon, it was extremely uncomfortable so I was given some morphine shortly after to take the edge off – thank goodness it worked. From then until the next morning Andy and I did lots of walking and some resting – at 11:42am they removed the balloons and started me on Pitocin (the traditional pharmaceutical to progress labor) – I was 4cm at the time. Over the following 6 hours I made little to no progress – the physician then broke my water and the contractions immediately began to intensify. Mom talked me into walking to progress things a bit faster – so we walked for just under an hour before I asked for an epidural.
(Side Note: For those of you that know me or were talking to me through or before my labor I had decided far in advance that I was no super hero and I was definitely asking for an epidural and taking whatever was needed to be comfortable and keep the baby healthy.)
At 7:35pm the anesthesiologist came to make me happy…. through multiple intense contractions he attempted to give me an epidural – however, it became very evident that it was not working and had missed the correct spot to be effective. He tried to re-position it but that wasn’t effective either… however he was the only anesthesiologist on and had a emergency c-section he had to get to so he couldn’t re-do it. He told me he would be back ASAP and apologized but said if i needed some pain meds just to ask the doctors…. which I did right away. The doctor came in around 8/8:15pm to check me and hopefully give me pain meds but Kendall was having fetal decelerations (basically this means her heartrate was dropping AFTER a contraction which is signs for fetal distress). At 8:30pm they decided to place a fetal internal monitor (I was only 5 cm) – this would better track the intensity of my contractions and her heart rate. Due to her decelarations they couldn’t give me any pain meds because that would slow her heart rate down and would be dangerous for her – instead they gave me oxygen to hopefully help her. Again, I never planned to be free from pain meds – I PLANNED to be pain free…. I was NOT prepared for this (that’s to say it mildly). Every contraction felt more and more intense and more and more like something was wrong. They flipped me to different positions to hopefully better her heart rate…. I BEGGED for something to help the pain or help her. Finally I ‘told’ (yelled at) them that I had to push, the nurse called the doctor – no one expected me to go from 5cm to 10cm in 45 min…. but I was. At some point my nurse had more nurses join and Kendall was born at 9:16pm.
However, typical of me and medical – the fun wasn’t over. During my initial recovery my body was having difficulty contracting – instead i would clot and lose blood. From 11:15pmish to 12:15am I lost a good amount of blood but the doctors seemed to think everything started to contract like normal after getting meds to help it contract. At 12:18 I was transferred from L&D to my recovery room. Once I arrived my nurse came in to get me to bed – I was sitting on the side of the bed but stood up and hemorrhaged. I was shaky, foggy and pale. Nurses rushed in and they immediately got me on fluids & meds – a resident was called and a painful exam ensued (thankfully they gave me some morphine right before) to remove an additional clot and locate any active bleeding. Finally around 1am things were under control and an hour later we finally fell asleep. The next morning my H&H numbers were checked (Hemoglobin & Hematocrit which check your blood numbers – typically 12-16 and 36-48% for women) mine were 7 & 26% so they decided to give me a blood transfusion which increased my numbers slightly but not to typical numbers but my symptoms had got a bit better and we held off on anymore. The physician estimated I lost 800-1000 ml of blood, usually in a typical birth a women loses about 300-500 ml (c-section is more). We weren’t discharged until Wednesday due to my blood transfusion and Kendall had low glucose numbers as well – but gratefully we were discharged together and both healthy.
(SIDE NOTE: Throughout the 37 weeks we were pregnant we discussed over 40 names between both genders, had it limited to 3 on the boys side and 3 on the girls side – NONE of theses were Kendall…. which is why we didn’t name Kendall until Monday morning – because it wasn’t a name that was ever on our list. However, after meeting Kendall it was clear the 3 names we had picked out just weren’t fitting for her so it was back to the drawing board.)
At the beginning of my journey I came across this quote “Sometimes broken roads lead you to the best destinations” there is no doubt in my mind that our boys were (and are) watching down on us and that our broken road led us to Kendall. Aiden is an extremely proud big brother and has been all along. Many of my friends who had subsequent child have said a few things that resounded with me. First being that you go through so much emotional and physically to get and STAY pregnant that you ‘forget’ that a baby comes home with you and your job just begins. I always listened as they said this but pushed it to the side because I already had one living child at home – I had done this before and brought home a child. Never did I think this was going to be so true…. it’s beyond surreal to have come so far and worked so hard and to have the child we prayed for in our arms. It doesn’t seem real instead if seems like you go through motions waiting to wake up from a dream. This could partly be because I/we are so sleep deprived, partly because its been 4.5 years since we brought home Aiden and you forget about the newborn at home stage but mostly because we yearned for a second living child since Aiden was 1.5 years old… we fought like hell and went through hell to be here and it just didn’t seem real.
The second phrase/advice we received from friends who had been here before was that having a subsequent living child after loss was that it doesn’t replace the children that you lost. So here’s the thing – never did I think that I was trying to fill a hole that was created when we lost Baby Boy or Anderson, nor was I. However, in the past year I have talked to A LOT of moms who recently lost a child and many of them already had begun to think about trying to conceive again. I reflected on our journey, especially after Baby Boy as we were in their same position – we wanted to try again ASAP. I think back on how long it took to get pregnant with Anderson and then loosing him. I don’t think I was ready – I’m so grateful for Anderson and what he’s given me but I’m also VERY happy on our journey to Kendall… I feel completely differently about this journey than our journey to get pregnant with Anderson. So although I wasn’t trying to fill a void I do feel now that the healing and tools that you gain will lead you to a place of “yes” or a place of opening; that allowing that to be organic rather than forced is entirely healing. Having Kendall and being pregnant with Kendall was an emotional roller coaster at times. Postpartum brought more emotions and processing…. and no way do I feel like I would have handled things as fluidly a year earlier.
Previously I talked/wrote about the heaviness of empty arms when leaving the hospital after a loss… on Wednesday January 13th as I was being wheeled out of the hospital with Kendall snug in her car seat this thought was never lost on me. The flood of praise and love was ever present with Andy by my side we had made it through the hurdles that we longed for and kept ourselves grounded and mostly in the moment, grateful for each day. Coming home (in a snow storm – so fitting for how the beginning of the journey had started) was just the beginning (as my friends had told me). Now, almost a month later, as I hold Kendall I am so in love and so proud of our family – both physical and spiritual, all 6 of us.
**if you look closely at the above photo you can make out a small rainbow above Aiden’s left shoulder – this rainbow represents our 2 angels. Often times families refer to their subsequent children as “Rainbow Babies” as they are the beauty that come after a storm…. having this rainbow in our photo is the beauty that is our 2 angels – they are just as much a part of this family – we are so thankful to Christine for getting creative and using her prism to create this for us.
Kandy and Kids 